Sometimes I find talking to be useful, but other times I see it as monotonous. It's as if we talk to talk most of the time and we are all just waiting our turn to chime in. This bothers me. I despise small talk. People tell me that I am the eternal pessimist. I don't think I am. I do think I get down too easily and I don't get excited easily enough, but when I do it is because I truly am. Maybe I am different in how I express myself and a lot of the time I don't even know how to communicate with others. That's why I just shut myself off from everyone and isolate often, which is never good, but it's what I do. Then people tend to think I'm mad at them when I'm not... like yesterday. Bleh.
I've been having somewhat of an identity crisis lately, which is to be expected of someone my age. I like to think I know who I am and what I what, but the truth is I have no idea. I know I'm only 19 years old and I still have my whole lifetime ahead of me to figure everything out, but that's hard to find any comfort in. There are so many things I have yet to experience and so many other things I am unsure if I want to experience or not. Because of this I am never satisfied. This is both, good and bad. Being unsatisfied means always striving to be better, while being satisfied means being content with the here and now. I suppose that there is a happy medium, but I don't know how to just be present or how to accept the future as it is, unknown. It is hard to find any peace of mind, especially in college since the whole focus is exactly that, the future. The reality is none of us know what will happen or where we'll be in 20 years, but we all like to pretend we do.
Life is strange. I don't think I'll ever figure it out.
Carbs have been a major source of comfort to me lately. Let's hope this doesn't get the better of me during this stressful time of year. Running or yoga/pilates would help relieve some of the pressure if only I had to motivation to go....
-CAC
we don't know where we'll be, yes. but i dont think we really PRETEND. i mean, i know i for sure don't know where I'll be and sure as heck don't act like I do. and i cant think of any of my friends who know what they will be doing or where.
ReplyDeleteright now we're all just learning and learning, about school, life, people, growing up, "being on our own". and i think thats an obvious fact about college. we're still on training ground. and i know im trying to be hopeful about the future. i mean if we've already gotten this far, why should post-college/school be dramatically worse or uncontrollable if we try to do what is best?
you or i could die tomorrow, and what would everything matter? you DONT know what will happen later so you have to use what you're doing now to help you, better you, build you for what you have to face in the future. its all happening now. everything that ever has been is for nowww
p.s.
ReplyDeletetalking is useful if you let it be. i mean its just a tool. and if you find it monotonous, its because thats how you're using it. you have the ability to make it whatever you want.
small talk does SUCK. but it's a fact of life. and we (me too)have to figure out how to deal with it without becoming stupid because thats what it is.
AND this statement doesn't agree with me: "I just shut myself off from everyone and isolate often, which is never good"
i mean, i can only speak for my self, but i know i isolate myself too much, and it can be unhealthy, but i also know that it can be a good thing. people are social creatures. but how do you think some of the best masterpieces were created, or great epiphanies, etc? in isolation. self induced or not. i dont know. im a bit antisocial, i guess and have to make an effort to go out but thats just something ive noticed my whole life and these past few months it got really bad and i wasnt even being productive in other ways, so i'm trying to get better control of myself....
hope you don't mind my long comments
i love your long comments and your perspective on things, but i also want to say that none of my statements of absolutes, just thoughts. i'm not saying that what i think it right... it's just what was going through my stream of consciousness today. yadda yadda yadda... man, i feel crazy.
ReplyDeletewhere ever there are humans there are exceptions
ReplyDelete