Banksy

Birds & Flowers

I love flower tattoos...

... and is it weird that I absolutely love bird tattoos even though I don't like birds in real life cause I'm scared of them?

I'm just all kinds of cliche.

Magnolia tree or flower tattoo? Perhaps.

Nietzsche

one must have chaos within oneself, to give birth to a dancing star

Talk

Sometimes I find talking to be useful, but other times I see it as monotonous. It's as if we talk to talk most of the time and we are all just waiting our turn to chime in. This bothers me. I despise small talk. People tell me that I am the eternal pessimist. I don't think I am. I do think I get down too easily and I don't get excited easily enough, but when I do it is because I truly am. Maybe I am different in how I express myself and a lot of the time I don't even know how to communicate with others. That's why I just shut myself off from everyone and isolate often, which is never good, but it's what I do. Then people tend to think I'm mad at them when I'm not... like yesterday. Bleh.

I've been having somewhat of an identity crisis lately, which is to be expected of someone my age. I like to think I know who I am and what I what, but the truth is I have no idea. I know I'm only 19 years old and I still have my whole lifetime ahead of me to figure everything out, but that's hard to find any comfort in. There are so many things I have yet to experience and so many other things I am unsure if I want to experience or not. Because of this I am never satisfied. This is both, good and bad. Being unsatisfied means always striving to be better, while being satisfied means being content with the here and now. I suppose that there is a happy medium, but I don't know how to just be present or how to accept the future as it is, unknown. It is hard to find any peace of mind, especially in college since the whole focus is exactly that, the future. The reality is none of us know what will happen or where we'll be in 20 years, but we all like to pretend we do.

Life is strange. I don't think I'll ever figure it out.

Carbs have been a major source of comfort to me lately. Let's hope this doesn't get the better of me during this stressful time of year. Running or yoga/pilates would help relieve some of the pressure if only I had to motivation to go....

-CAC

Winter, tea, travel, etc.

It's this time of year when I want to be in the comfort of home the most and it's the summers when I would rather be off at school or maybe traveling I suppose, but that rarely happens. I know it's backwards.

I am newly in love with bubble tea. It's so yummy. I've been to Teapouro twice in the past few days to get the Toro... MMM.

Finals time always seems both fast and slow. It's fast because there's never any time to think, and it's slow because we all want to go home and relax over break.

All I can think about is my upcoming trip to LA and San Francisco! It's been a couple of years since I've even been on a plane, which was when I traveled to Europe two summers ago for the first time. I cannot wait to go back.

Lately, I've found that I get let down too easily because I have too many expectations of myself and of others, especially friends. I know it's unhealthy, and by thinking that way I am easily disappointed. It's something I need to work on. Maybe blogging will help...

I used to think I was independent or liked being by myself, and I do, but only sometimes. I am an only child, so I grew up being lonely and I know how to be alone, but I tend to think too much without having someone around to talk to. So I've decided I depend on other people too much for my happiness... I mean, I know I need the love and support of the people closest to me, but I can't let them determine my state of mind.

Rationality is something I struggle with. People tend to tell me I'm really down to Earth, or that I'm level headed, but when I think about it, I'm not at all. I feel like I'm one of the most irrational people I know. I drive myself crazy with anxiety over the littlest things, which will probably cause me the early death of a heart attack if I'm not careful. Something else I'm working on...

Anyway, until next time.

And here are a couple random old photobucket images of mine:

-CAC

Tattoos on the brain

-CAC